March 31, 2019
I know it’s been a while since I have written a blog post. I have been trying to figure out a lot of stuff lately. I told myself I have a year to grieve and travel before I figure out the next chapter of my life. The timeline I have given myself to return to work is after my birthday this year, which is in July. It is now the end of March and I am feeling the pressure to figure out my next steps. I am putting most of the pressure on myself which is resulting in some anxiety and sleepless nights. How do I move on without her? Why does it feel like I am leaving her behind? Am I ready for this? Can I do this? What kind of work do I want to do? Where do I want to live? What would make me happy? Will things ever feel normal? Am I normal for still feeling so shitty sometimes? Will I get any sleep tonight? These questions run through my head every night, yes, I wish I could turn them off, but seeing as how I already have anxiety, it’s much easier said than done. While I am eternally grateful for my parents to allow me to live with them as I figure my shit out, Lord knows I cannot live with them forever. We love each other, and I want it to stay that way.
I know that a lot of people do not understand what I am going through, why it’s hard to move on, why I talk about my twin all the time, or cry and still have really bad shitty days. My support group of twins who have lost their twin remind me that I am normal, that it’s okay, and non-twins will never understand. I wish I knew how to move on, how to push through, and wish I had a solid plan for my future. Truth is, I am still lost at times, unsure of my next moves, and what would even make me happy. Yes, these days I have a lot more good days than bad, I have a wonderful support group of family and friends, have met some great people this last year, and had the opportunity to travel, a lot. I am so grateful for all these amazing people and experiences, but I am still asking myself what’s next? How do I get there? The pressure is on and I am feeling unprepared and unsure.
This blog post is definitely therapy for me, hoping that getting all this written down, out of my head will help me figure something out, and sleep a little better. Who knows, but that’s part of why I write this right? Therapy for myself, here’s to hoping. I never thought that at the age of 40, I would be without my twin, unemployed, and living with my parents. Jesus, I guess you never know what life is gonna throw at you, and I never in a million years imagined this. The gravity of this situation can be overwhelming at times, and I am desperately trying to find my way.
All I know is that life is short, tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us. I want to find happiness, love and be loved, be kind to others and give back as much as I can, experience life as much as possible, so at the end of my time, I can say I was the best person I could be and lived my life to the fullest. Time to figure out what’s next.
Figured I would share a few pictures I have taken of myself during my travels this year…I hate taking pictures of myself…but here they are….
Me in Hawaii January 2019
Me in Switzerland February 2019
Me in Vegas March 2019
Me and Aily, I looked unsure about life even back then!! Ha ha ha