2022’s Gotta Be Better Than This Shit
Another year behind us, another year ahead….let’s hope 2022 is better than the last 2. I pray for this Covid virus to stop killing people. I have come to the realization that it isn’t going anywhere any time soon, so I hope that at some point it becomes like the flu, where we get flu and covid shots every year and it’s not devastating the world as it has for the past 2 years. Wishful thinking, but I think science is much smarter than me!! I know it!!!
I didn’t have it in me to write a Christmas blog this year. I went home to Seattle for 12 days, and while I did get to see some friends, I apologize for those I didn’t get to visit with. I needed to take some time for myself, whether it was an early morning or late evening drive, I needed to have time for me. There was a small part of me before my visit that thought I could be ready to move home, be close to my family…..but reality had other plans.
I stayed in my parent’s house, showered in the bathroom where I would have to bathe my sister when she was too weak to stand, spend time in the house where I took care of her, where we spent so many of her last few moments, where she took her last breath. It was honestly more than I could handle, and I didn’t realize it, until I was there, for an extended period of time. I often hear from people how hard it is for them to think about the memories of my sister, being in certain places, remembering the terrible shit that went down, and I completely empathize and understand 100% where they are coming from. If her death affects others so profoundly, how do you think it affects me? I thought I was in a good head space, feeling good, looking towards the future and what it holds…..little did I realize how easy anything big or small, could knock me down into the depths of how I felt right after she died. During my trip home, I walked down my parent’s street, down to where it comes to a dead end remembering how accomplished Aily would feel that she could do that after another 7 day hospital stay or another procedure. How we used to just make it to the end of the drive way at first, and then down to the mailboxes a little ways down. She would smile so big when we made to the end of the street and would circle the cul-de-sac, like she just conquered Mt. Everest. And to me she did, she fought so hard to get back to herself, and she never gave up, even though her body gave up before her spirit ever would.
Life is so God damned unpredictable, and I can feel okay one month and lost and depressed the next. I guess this is my new normal. My dad found some videos and pictures of my sister and all of us on one of his old cell phones. I haven’t watched the videos yet, I don’t know if I am ready for that yet. I downloaded all of it to my cellphone and then into my laptop, but I will wait until I am in a better headspace to look at the videos. I honestly didn’t know any of us had any video of her, she avoided that like the plague, but thanks to my dad, I do have some, and when I am ready, I will watch them. I also saw a bunch of pictures of my dad where he accidentally took selfies of himself and didn’t realize what he was doing, so I made a folder of Dad’s Selfies, and that brought a huge smile to my face. Parent’s are so precious aren’t they? Ha ha ha.
I did look at some of the pictures I have never seen before, and I want to share them with you guys. I will also share pictures of my visit home. It was great to spend time with family and friends, and my Snickers!!! I am sorry if I seemed disconnected and quiet at times, I was honestly just trying to keep from falling apart. Maybe one day I can call Seattle home again, just not today.