June 1, 2021
I can’t believe it’s been 3 years without her. My heart is still broken, the wounds are still fresh. The 2 weeks before this day are always difficult because it’s when everything went to shit, and the downhill spiral was faster than I could have ever imagined. We brought her home on hospice on May 30th, 2018, knowing that our time together was coming to an end whether we were ready or not. Lord knows, I was not ready. I still remember the hospice nurse telling me on the 31st that I had to decide when to turn off her oxygen. Me being her power of attorney, it was my choice. That was the hardest decision of my life. How the fuck am I supposed to decide that? Who am I to play God and make that choice for her? That day still haunts me, did I choose correctly? Did I wait too long, and she suffered more due to my selfishness? Did I do it too soon? I must live with this for the rest of my life, and I hate it, I hate all of it. I hate that I am here without her. I hate that she got sick and suffered so much at the end. I hate that her life was cut short. She had so much more to give to this world. She wanted so much to live, to beat this beast. I hate that she was scared, I couldn’t imagine the fears she had knowing she was sick and dying. I hate that I couldn’t save her. I hate that I will never feel whole again. I hate being the twin left behind.
I like to think that a majority of the time, for the most part, I am doing okay. But not today, today I am allowed to be sad, angry, and whatever the hell I want. Today I feel so lost without her….today I shut myself off from the world and I cry and grieve for her.
June 1st, 2018, 3:01 am (Seattle time) my other half, my best friend, my twin died and a huge piece of me died as well.
My Dearest Aily,
I miss you so damn much. I am sorry I am not as strong as you were. I am trying, I really am. Today will forever be the worst day of my life, the day we were permanently separated from each other. It’s such a cruel and harsh reality I live in now, one I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Sometimes I don’t know what’s worse, the heart break of losing you, or the unknown if we will ever be together again. I remember telling you before you died, that was the only thing I had to hold on to, the only thing giving me hope, that one day we would be reunited. The sad truth is, I have no idea if that will happen, I have no clue what happens after we leave this earth. That scares the fuck out of me, the thought of us never seeing each other again is the worst heart break of all. I lose all faith, sense of purpose, and something to look forward to when my time comes. I am definitely not the same since you left me, I will never be the same Siobhan; I feel I get more jaded and cynical every year. Ha ha, I know I was never the optimist to begin with, but my faith in everything (hope and humanity mostly) seems to fade a little every day. I hope I am wrong, I hope I am pleasantly surprised, and I hope more than anything, to be with you again.
Me loves you, me loves you so much,