July 20, 2020
Next to June 1st, this is the 2nd worst day of the year for me. I honestly don’t know if it will ever feel right celebrating my birthday again. I spent 39 birthdays with my twin and these last 3 have felt so empty and lonely. I know I know; I am always being told, “we all lost Ailish”, yes, I am aware of that fact, and I do not discount anyone else’s grief from the loss of my sister. But the truth is, no one will ever understand how profoundly this day hurts me, how our birthday breaks my heart each and every year I spend without her. I am constantly being told that I have to celebrate, that I shouldn’t be alone, I talk about her too much, and that I have to move on. Here is what I think, everyone grieves in their own way; some people are devastatingly affected for months leading up to a pivotal anniversary or birthday, some people do not fall apart until the day of. Some people need to be around others to get through the tough times, some people need to grieve alone. I am definitely the latter; I don’t like crying around other people and this day undeniably brings the tears. This blog is my therapy, this helps me get through the hard times which is why on days like this, I write. I apologize if I sound bitter or annoyed, but I do not tell others how to grieve or how to feel when they are dealing with loss and I don’t know why so many people feel the need to tell me, especially when they don’t understand the magnitude of losing your TWIN…something you cannot fathom or understand unless you are one. Every loss is different and heartbreaking in their own way, and I would never try and say I understand what someone else is feeling or going through, nor would I tell anyone how they should or shouldn’t grieve.
This year since my last birthday has been full of ups and downs but let’s be honest, 2020 is pretty much a shitshow and disaster for everyone so far. Here is to hoping and praying that something fucking changes and we can stop this God damned virus. I am saddened to see this needlessly continue to spiral out of control and all the lives that have been lost and will continue to be lost because of it….that is all I can say about that. My faith in humanity is gone…it’s all just shit right now. Hope you all weren’t expecting a happy post because this is definitely not it. Guess I am bitter, angry, heart-broken, and hopeless today. And you know what, that’s okay, I am allowed to feel all this shit right now and I won’t apologize for that. As long as I am not taking it out on anyone, I am good, that’s why I am writing this, so I can get all my feelings, good/bad/ugly out in the healthiest way I know.
I am angry, I am heart broken, I am sad that I have to celebrate this day alone, that she got sick, that I couldn’t fucking save her. I hate how the vivid memories of the last few months of her life play over and over in my head, especially around days like today. I hate that I cannot turn them off, I hate that I want to. I hate this pain that never goes away, the hole in my heart that will never fill. I hate not hearing her voice, her laugh, seeing her face, being silly together. I hate that I don’t feel her presence close to me even though she promised she always would be, even after she dies. I would give anything to have one more birthday with her…..
My dearest Aily,
Happy birthday, wherever you are. Even though I cannot feel you, I know you are there, but feel free to send me a sign…we both know I can be pretty dense sometimes. In case you are able to see me crying or see what I just wrote, do not worry I am okay, I will be okay. I just needed to get that out, I am not at Aily rage level, yet. Ha ha ha. I miss you every God damn day and even more so today. You were and always will be my hardest goodbye. I hope we will be together again someday; that is the one thing that keeps me going. I hope I am making you proud. Me loves you, me loves you so much! Vani
This is 42!!