November 28th, 2019
This is the 2nd Thanksgiving without my twin. It’s not any easier than the last. The holidays are a stark reminder of being alone without her. I have moved away from my family, away from Seattle, which for the most part I think was the best decision, but during times like this, I miss them, I miss what my life used to be. I miss being in the house, the room that we shared. I miss the familiarity of the last 20 years I spent with her. I live in a new home, a home she’s never known, a place we have no memories together. It feels wrong, lonely, and sad. I don’t recognize my life sometimes and it scares me the further away I move from who I once was. I am still not sure of who I am, what my future holds, and sometimes it scares the shit out of me. Other times, I know I am strong, I am becoming my own person. Today, I hate it, I hate that I had no choice, I hate that she got sick and had to leave me, I hate that I am alone.
This pain, this sadness, this hole in my life that she left behind is so overwhelming, suffocating, especially on days like today. I am sorry for being so damn depressing in this post, but my heart is still broken. I know for as long as I live, it always will be.
I know today I should be thankful, and I am, I have an amazing network of family and friends, new and old. I wouldn’t be here without them. But today I am allowing myself to be sad, grieve, and miss the life I once knew.
Wherever you are Aily, I am forever thankful that I got to be your twin, your other half, and that we had the best 39 years together. I am thankful that I was with you everyday through your sickness, till your last breath. I am thankful I got to be your co-pilot. Me loves you, me loves you so much. I miss you more than you could ever know.
P.S. My house is already decorated for Christmas, just for you
Me and Aily, I think this is from Pre-K
Pic from my aunt and uncle’s house in Brooklyn on Christmas. God, I miss her everyday