Another Holiday Season Without Her

November 28th, 2019

This is the 2nd Thanksgiving without my twin. It’s not any easier than the last. The holidays are a stark reminder of being alone without her. I have moved away from my family, away from Seattle, which for the most part I think was the best decision, but during times like this, I miss them, I miss what my life used to be. I miss being in the house, the room that we shared. I miss the familiarity of the last 20 years I spent with her. I live in a new home, a home she’s never known, a place we have no memories together. It feels wrong, lonely, and sad. I don’t recognize my life sometimes and it scares me the further away I move from who I once was. I am still not sure of who I am, what my future holds, and sometimes it scares the shit out of me. Other times, I know I am strong, I am becoming my own person. Today, I hate it, I hate that I had no choice, I hate that she got sick and had to leave me, I hate that I am alone.

This pain, this sadness, this hole in my life that she left behind is so overwhelming, suffocating, especially on days like today. I am sorry for being so damn depressing in this post, but my heart is still broken. I know for as long as I live, it always will be.

I know today I should be thankful, and I am, I have an amazing network of family and friends, new and old. I wouldn’t be here without them. But today I am allowing myself to be sad, grieve, and miss the life I once knew.

Wherever you are Aily, I am forever thankful that I got to be your twin, your other half, and that we had the best 39 years together. I am thankful that I was with you everyday through your sickness, till your last breath. I am thankful I got to be your co-pilot. Me loves you, me loves you so much. I miss you more than you could ever know.

P.S. My house is already decorated for Christmas, just for you

Picture1

Me and Aily, I think this is from Pre-K

Picture12

Pic from my aunt and uncle’s house in Brooklyn on Christmas. God, I miss her everyday

 

 

2 comments

  1. Joyce · November 28

    Thinking of you and Ally on this day of giving thanks. I am so thankful that i knew you both..A blessing.Hang in there..she would want this for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dorothy Darrow · November 28

    Holidays will always be hard. Birthdays will be hard. Random smells and sites will be hard. Please don’t be too hard on yourself. The pain you feel indicates how much you loved her. I can’t imagine a loss such as yours. Wish I was there to hug you. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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