September 23, 2019
It’s been almost a month since my big move back to Albuquerque, NM. I have settled in quite nicely, catching up with old friends and adjusting to living alone. I enjoy my alone time, decorating my place just the way I want it. I love to come home because it feels like my home, a feeling I never had in Seattle. I miss my family, but I know this was the best thing I could do for me. I am working part time as a caretaker/helper for an elderly lady who I think is so remarkable. She has lived an amazing life and I am so happy to help her out in any way I can. I am looking for full time work, and hopefully the right job will come my way. I finally feel like I am living my life for me. I am doing what I want, not worrying about having to take care of anyone but myself.
There is one thing I cannot escape, the loneliness I feel not having Aily with me. I don’t really know how to verbalize this and explain this without sounding crazy or extremely weird. I am 41 years old and for the first time I am taking care of only myself, yet I feel this overwhelming sense of guilt and sadness knowing that I was forced into this situation, that this choice was not mine. I would give anything to grow old with my twin sister and we had planned our lives accordingly. Unfortunately, we have no control over what life throws our way, and I was forced into figuring out this life, alone without her. There are nights when I feel happy and content with my decision to move here. And then there are those nights where I am like, what the fuck did I do? Am I running away from her? I left our house, our memories, ran away from the sadness, the hurt I felt in Washington. I feel like a coward leaving our “room” (my parents dining room) where she passed, selfish for needing to get away.
I guess I will always feel this struggle, this guilt, this sadness….I don’t know, I am still navigating this new me, me without her. I know I shouldn’t feel bad and that she would be so happy for me and want me to move on. But honestly how does one truly move on from the one person in their life who knew them better than anyone? The one person who has been with them before birth? Their literal other half? Once a twin, always a twin, I guess. No matter how much you are an individual, you are always connected to that person even if they are no longer with you. Yes, this is the worst part of being a twin, being without them, continuing life alone.
I didn’t mean for this post to be so damn depressing, sorry about that. I know I have been struggling mentally with this during this past month. I know I have some anxiety about not working full time right now, but I know I will find something soon. I guess my anxiety brings out all of this shit and I needed to get this out. I cannot complain, even though I know it seems like I am, because despite the struggle, I am thriving, I am figuring things out. I am happy here; I am glad I moved to NM. Everything will just be an adjustment, a lifelong adjustment.
Thanks for listening.
Just some of my favorite pics of us:
We were all so cute an innocent……that didn’t last long
Gardening in our backyard in NY….Aily looks so chill and cool and I look like a jackass with my mouth wide open.
Aily and Snickers, she loved him so much!!!