First Anniversary

June 1st, 2019

June 1st, 2018, 3:01 am, my life forever changed. My twin sister, my best friend, my other half, left this world, leaving me behind. I cannot believe it’s been a year; my heart is still broken; the wound is still fresh. It seems like only yesterday I was laying next to her telling her how much I loved her, how it was okay to let go, that she didn’t have to hold on for me. I repeated this over and over, as my heart broke into a million pieces and the tears streamed down my face. I thought being by her side as she lay dying in her bed, taking her last breath was the hardest part. I hate to say this even now, but it was almost a relief at the time, knowing she was no longer in pain, no longer suffering. The selfish part of me didn’t want her to go, didn’t want to be alone without her. I knew that she needed to leave me, to finally find peace. But nothing could prepare me for the loneliness, the gigantic hole that was left in my life, in my heart. I have amazing family and friends, I know I am not alone in this world, but I am alone without my twin. The toughest part in the beginning was the silence, not hearing her voice, her laugh, her yelling obscenities at other drivers on the road. It killed me knowing I would never see her face, her smile, her tears. We would no longer come up with silly nicknames for each other (we had come up with so many over the years), have our inside jokes, watch basketball together, go shopping, travel, all the things we loved to do together.

The last few years I had with Aily were difficult, they were a blessing and a curse. We were blessed to have spent every day together, travel, truly live life to the fullest. It was a curse because we always had her diagnosis hanging over our heads, waiting for her health to take a turn, knowing at some point it inevitably would. This past year has been the hardest for me, trying to find myself, trying to move forward without her. I did what she wanted me to do, I traveled a lot, visited amazing places, spent time with friends and family. I am grateful for that; I could not have gotten through this past year without them. I had a lot of dark days early on, but now the good days definitely outnumber the bad. I still feel lost, lonely, unsure of my future. I am struggling to figure out my next moves, what I want to do, where I want to live, what will make me happy. I still struggle with allowing myself to be happy, to move on. I don’t want her to think I have forgotten her or that my life is better without her. I know it sounds crazy, and she would want me to be happy and have a good life, but this is how I feel. There is an emptiness that can never be filled, a sadness that will never go away, a part of me that died with her. I knew this first anniversary would be shitty, I prepared myself as much as I could for this day. It is a harsh reminder of everything I have lost and everything I miss most about her, knowing we will never grow old together.

I think about her every day; she is in my dreams almost every night. I am thankful for that. But I would give anything to have more time with her, to not have to live without her. This is the shittiest part about being a twin, we came into this world together, and it feels so fucking wrong to leave it separately. Nothing could have ever prepared me for this.

Aily, you are with me every day, Me loves you, me loves you so much!

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Aily, fuck cancer, you are free from all this shit!!

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I bought her this shirt, she loved it!!

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Until we are together again Aily!! I miss you more than you could ever know!!!

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2 comments

  1. Leslie · 24 Days Ago

    You deserve all good days, you know she would want you to be happy every day. This was tough to read so I can’t even imagine your feelings today. Always here ♥️

    Liked by 1 person

    • Joyce Pugsley · 24 Days Ago

      In my prayers today and everyday. A pain like no other, but you can survive but as a different person.

      Liked by 1 person

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