January 7, 2019
Back in July of last year when I started this blog, the big question was, life without my twin, where do I go from here? Now here I am January 2019, six months later, and I still have no idea where my life is heading. 2018 was without a doubt, the worst year of my life, and I can only hope that 2019 has better things in store for me. As difficult as these past few years have been, they have also put my life in perspective. Even though I have no idea what lies ahead, I know definitively what is important to me, and what is trivial. At the start of every year, people make new year’s resolutions, some they stick to, some they soon forget. I have never been one of those people, I feel like the pressure sets one up for failure. Instead, for 2019 and for every year going forward, I am going to focus on me; making myself a better person, learning to make myself happy (travel and enjoy life), deciding my future (job/place to live), and how to live my life as me, instead of we.
If you were to ask me what would make me happy, I honestly don’t know right now. I have spent the last few years putting all my focus and energy into Ailish. I do not regret it one bit, I would do it all over in a heartbeat. I just realized, that while I spent so much time, energy, and mental capacity to taking care of her, I have completely forgotten what actually makes me happy. I also feel so robbed of happiness since Aily passed away. Nothing feels the same anymore, there is an emptiness I cannot describe. I have never been good at putting my needs first, even before Ailish got sick. I know Aily wants me to live the life we wanted to have, be happy, and live life to the fullest. I must keep reminding myself to not feel guilty, that me being happy doesn’t mean I am leaving her behind. I struggle with that every day. I have decided that I am going to travel as much as I can every year. I want to visit my friends and family, near and far, as much as I can. Tomorrow isn’t promised, and it’s so easy to just say, oh I will try to see them next year. Well years pass, and unless we proactively put forth the effort, there are many missed opportunities to spend time with loved ones. I also want to do one bucket list item each year to honor Ailish.
Where do I go from here? Hell, if I know!!! All I do know is, I have had more stress in the past few years to last me the rest of my life!!! I need a break, some time to recover. I know that money and material possessions mean very little to me, and it’s all about making memories. Don’t get me wrong I will not be unemployed forever (I like being financially independent), I won’t be homeless, rack up debt, incur bad credit (If Aily taught me one thing, it’s to always keep perfect or near perfect credit and be smart with my money) , or without my “man cave” sized TV (to watch sports), but mostly I want the simple things, happiness, love, making memories with friends and family, and putting good back into the world. Who knows what 2019 or the future holds in store for me, but at least I can say I have goals I am working towards and right now that’s the best I can do. I know I will never be the same Siobhan as I was before Ailish died. As I embark on this new year, I am hopeful that 2019 will be much better than last, and I can find and embrace the new Siobhan.
Here are some old pics I wanted to share:
looks like we were plotting our escape!!!
Aily thought the bowl was a hat
I am having an intense conversation with my spoon
One of my favorite pics of her as a child
The last pic I took of her before she died…she had finally gotten her hair cut and she loved it!!!