My First Christmas Without You

December 25, 2018

My Dearest Aily,

It just doesn’t feel right celebrating today without you. You have been by my side for almost 40 years, we have celebrated every holiday together, and now I am trying to figure out how to do this without you. I am doing my best to be brave and put on my happy face, but my heart is so broken, I feel so alone without you. I am sitting here staring at the Christmas tree I sneakily bought and decorated while you were at work 4 years ago. I am looking at all the decorations we gathered while we were on our many travels. I am so grateful for the memories we made after your diagnosis, we got to see the world!!! This time last year we were in Australia, and it was one of the best we ever had. I find some comfort in those memories and how much fun we had together. I had no idea that it would be our last Christmas together, and the thought of that today just crushes me with paralyzing sadness.

As I write this, I can’t stop the tears from falling wishing we were together today, I would give anything to spend one more Christmas with you. I know you would want me to be happy and celebrate today, and I am trying, I really am. I try to be so strong, but today I can’t…today I am allowing myself some time to fall apart. I knew today would be hard, but honestly it is kicking my ass. I am sitting here in our bedroom/dining room, on our bed where you took your last breaths, looking over on your side of the bed…it feels like a bad dream, a nightmare, one I cannot wake up from as hard as I try. I just can’t believe you, the most important person in my life, my other half, my partner in crime, is gone. I am so thankful you are no longer suffering and at peace, but I miss you more than you could ever imagine.

When I am finished writing this, I will dry my tears, pull myself together, and be strong for you, make you proud. I will finish cooking for everyone, and I will continue our tradition of watching Christmas NBA games. It won’t be the same watching them without you, but I will root for our teams for both of us. I hope you and Michael are celebrating together and know how much I miss and love you both! Aily, I am still trying to figure out how to move on without you, and I don’t think I am as brave and strong as you thought, but I am doing my best. Me loves you, me loves you so much!!! Ice bear misses Pan Pan!!! TP forever,

Vani

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My tree that you loved to hate…..

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I bought this, you are now my angel

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Last Christmas, our last night in Australia

christmas

Some oldies, but goodies

christmas vani looks pissed

Ha ha ha, I liked this one cause I am making the, “I am gonna beat some ass” face that you always say I make!!! (Which I think you are right, because I am making the same face in my driver’s license)

5 comments

  1. Joyce · December 25

    You are loved and you will get thru this, not over it, but thru it.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dorothy Darrow · December 26

    My heart aches for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. leslienapolitano · December 27

    I hope you enjoyed some parts of yesterday, you know that’s what she wants. The way you write is so honest, thinking of you and sending love ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • siobhanmcalorum · December 27

      Thank you Leslie. I did enjoy being with my family, there were some good parts to Christmas, just not the same. Thank you, ❤❤

      Like

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