October 16th, 2018
I know it’s been a while since I have written a blog post, but to be completely honest, I just haven’t mentally had it in me to write. I have been taking some “me time”, to cope with things, do some traveling, and preparing myself for some big life changes as well.
Fall has always been my favorite time of year. I love the cool crisp air, the changing colors of all the leaves, the need for warm and cozy clothes and blankets, but mostly because it is the start of the NBA season. As I am sitting here watching the opening night of this NBA season, I laugh as I watch Shaq, Ernie, Kenny, and Charles banter back and forth with KG who accidentally says SHIT on live TV during the TNT basketball pre-game show. I watch the Boston Celtics kick the 76er’s asses. The Golden State Warriors are receiving their championship rings and raising the banner for being the champions from last season. This is bittersweet for me because watching the NBA was one of mine and Ailish’s favorite things to do. Whether we bought tickets and traveled to watch our favorite teams and players in person, or watched from home, we always cherished watching these games together.
I distinctly remember after Aily had the strokes last May, she was never quite herself again. She didn’t really have her spark anymore, had a flat affect, didn’t initiate conversations, and only spoke when spoken to, except when the NBA playoffs were on. We spent a lot of time in the hospital her last few weeks, and so we watched as much basketball together while we were there. She would always pat her hand on the bed to signal me to lay next to her and watch the games. It was during the games I would see glimpses of the old Aily come back. She would high five me and cheer when our team would do well and would say “shit” or “god damn it” when our team did stupid shit. So, yeah, the start of this NBA season is bittersweet, and NBA basketball will always hold a special place in my heart. Also, court-side NBA tickets were on her bucket list!!! It obviously meant a hell of a lot to her as well. Tonight, as I continue watching Golden State play OKC, I am excited for the new season, but sad to be watching it alone. (Actually, Kieran is nice enough to watch it with me).
Like I have said before, there are lots of things I will have to get used to doing alone and learning to cope with that reality is just as hard. For the last 10 years I have been dealing with endometriosis, adenomyosis, and fibroids, and I have had 3 laparoscopic surgeries to help with symptoms and help treat it. Ailish has been by my side after all these surgeries, with a sweet hand-written letter and a baby (stuffed animal, that’s what we call them) waiting for me when I am in recovery. Tomorrow I am having a hysterectomy to help treat and cure a few of these problems. This will be the first surgery I have without Ailish waiting for me, writing me a funny letter, telling me to hurry up and wake up because she is hungry, and that she has a cute fluffy baby waiting to cuddle with me. Before she was diagnosed with cancer, she always took care of me, was my nurse after these surgeries, my care taker. I miss her every day, but I definitely miss her the most at times like this.
I apologize for not being the most social sister/aunt/daughter/friend at times, not visiting everyone I wanted to during my travels, and not keeping up with my blog, but I am doing my best to cope. I still have good days and bad days, and still learning how to weather these storms. Like clockwork, the seasons change, yet this year, nothing is the same.
Always had each other’s backs!!