November 21, 2018
Today, I am not even sure where to begin. My head and heart have been in a dark place for the past few months, (It’s part of the reason I haven’t been very active on my blog). I thought as time went on, things would get easier, but it seems to be the complete opposite. It seems like the more time that passes without her, the more it hurts. I haven’t been writing because I don’t want every post to be about me being sad and depressed, or how I am struggling to cope with losing Aily. Who wants to read a million posts about someone who is trying to deal with the loss of their twin? I have to admit, lately I have been putting on a brave face for family and friends, because I don’t want to bring others down, I don’t want them to worry. I am afraid sometimes that people might think I am being unhealthy by continuing to wallow in my sadness, but it’s something lately I can’t seem to control. There are days where even getting up to shower is overwhelming and a struggle. There are days when I don’t shower (it’s never more than 1 day I skip for a shower, I am sad, not a savage), because I can’t even bring myself to face the day. I know that grief comes and goes in waves, and that I am probably extra sad now because of the holidays coming up, and it will be my first Thanksgiving and Christmas without my twin. Just the thought of it gives me anxiety and makes me want to cry. My anxiety has been coming in waves as well, but I am continuing my medication, and I feel like I would be much worse without it.
I will also admit that I haven’t yet seen a therapist/counselor/psychologist yet. I thought with the blog, I would be able to help myself cope, and it does, it’s great therapy but, I know now it’s not enough. I felt like I was doing really well for a while, traveling, hanging out with friends, being more social, getting back into the world, so I thought maybe I didn’t need it. I have recently joined an online support group of twins who have lost their twin as adults. I have to say, it really has helped me a lot meeting other twins who really know how I am feeling and discovering that I all the things I feel, and experience are normal. I think I mentioned in a previous post that during those times when I replay the last few weeks of Ailish’s life in my head (which is out of my control, I wish I could, it creates many sleepless nights) and how traumatizing it is for me, and almost feels like PTSD, well apparently, it’s completely normal. There are a lot of twins getting trauma and PTSD counseling. This has pushed me into going to get some professional help for myself. It’s not that I was against going to get help before, I had some appointments set up that were cancelled due to the counselor being ill, but I thought I was doing ok. I thought I was handling things well enough on my own. I think between my blog, my new twin support group, and some counseling, there will be easier days ahead. I will still have shitty, gloomy, depressed, grief filled days (like on Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, etc.) I am sure, but I am hopeful for a lot sunnier, happier, hopeful days ahead too.
So, tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I wanted to share with everyone what I am thankful for, because despite this shitty cloud hanging over my head at the moment, I do have a lot to be thankful for. I am thankful, that even though my heart hurts more than I could have ever imagined, that Ailish is no longer suffering and is at peace wherever she is. I am thankful that we got to share 39 almost 40 years together, and she was my other half, my bestest friend. I am thankful for all the amazing memories we made!!! I am thankful that I was able to be her caretaker and spend every day with her and be by her side. I am thankful for my health, I have tests run every year to check for cancer and I have been cleared every year so far. I am thankful that I have healed from my hysterectomy and that I will have a better quality of life. I am thankful that I have my parents who allow me to live with them until I figure out what I am doing with my life (even though they have a personal chef out of this deal, so we both win). I am thankful for my family who has shown me so much love and understanding and are patient with me through this. I am thankful for my friends and all the wonderful friends I have made through my sister, you have shown me how loved Ailish was by all of you, and how you have extended that love and friendship to me. I am thankful for the kindness of strangers (yes Ronni, I am talking about you), who have restored my faith in humanity. I am forever grateful. I am thankful for Snickers and yes Mom, Buddy too, because animals always have a way to make you smile. Now if only I can talk my dad into getting my therapy alpaca!! Just kidding….kinda. I am thankful that I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food in my belly. These simple things are taken for granted and there are so many people who do not have them.
Thank you all for sticking with me through these rough times, I hope I haven’t made you all too depressed. For everyone and everything I am grateful for, this just pushes me to be a better person, to return the love and friendship I have received, and to give back to others as much as I can.
One of mine and Aily’s favorite things to do for Thanksgiving when family was out of town, was to NOT cook. We would go get Chinese food or whatever restaurant we could find that was open. So tomorrow, my brother and I will be getting Korean BBQ, I don’t want to break this tradition. Also, I have a tradition to put my Christmas tree up on Thanksgiving, much to Ailish’s dismay, but she couldn’t have her way all the time. Plus, once she found out she didn’t have to help decorating, she grew to love it!!!
Happy Thanksgiving, gobble gobble!!! (Actually, stay away from turkeys this year, there was a big recall due to salmonella outbreak, stay away from romaine lettuce too. I guess this means more room for dessert!!!)
Here are some pics through the years, I thought I would share with you all!!!
My best friend since the beginning!!!
My other half!!!
Our prom night obligatory pic with the parents….
My partner in crime!!! (NYC Times Square 2016, we weren’t in trouble, my detective cousin wanted us to take pics with these two cops)